I’m back…

So it’s the day of all days, I’m sitting back in work after over a month of being off. I have turned my days into nights and nights into days and just lay about all day thinking about life.

I got up and got the lunch sorted and even made a smoothie. Ok day one is always “oh so prepared” I know the rest of the week I will slowly crumble. Each day I will do less, care less and feel less.

Right now though? I’m happy that I pushed myself back. I still have to have that “chat” with my manager but today she is not in… If only I could get this over and done with.

Looks as though the floor is further away than I thought

Of course it’s only what 2 hours into my work day and I still have 6 and a half left to push through. But if I don’t push myself then who will?

I think if I took any more time off I would crash, I would think myself into a black hole and it would be even worse to get out of.

Don’t give up, I did at one point and thought there was no way I could ever get through this, not by myself. I looked all over for help from lots of different places and people and never found it. That’s because the help comes from yourself. You have to do it all yourself with support of course but pushing yourself is all part of the path way back up to life.

It took me a long time to realise and I don’t think I still have realised what you really have to do to recover from this. It’s always gonna be that cloud hanging over you waiting to pour but “dance in the rain” as all the quotes say. To be honest I hate that quote. But yeah appropriate for what I am trying to explain.

I don’t think I will ever fully recover from this but what I will do is learn and continue to do so. Today is a good day but tomorrow may not be and I may not be this happy but I’ve got to work with what I have in this moment otherwise I’ll waste my time waiting for the sadness and end up being sad the full time.

I hope all you guys out there suffering with depression are working through it. If it’s your down day then go through the emotions take them in your stride. Down days happen and you will never get rid of them. Allow yourself to be down and the next day try and feel a tiny bit better. It’s all baby steps but in time you will get there.

Please don’t give up.

Paranoid

Omg don’t you just hate being so paranoid. Its takes over your head and turns you into someone you dislike. You want to stop acting this way but you cant help yourself. You hate who you’ve become and just want to shake yourself out of it.

Depression sucks, it takes away everything you enjoy, love, keeps u going. Its takes It all away from you while u sit there and let it because you cant seem to do anything about it and before you know it is a month or 2 months down the line and you look around and reality hits you and you don’t really have much left or its all hanging by a thread. You look around and you don’t rely on the same people anymore, there not there anymore.

It’s sad, sad that depression takes all this away from you when you haven’t even done anything wrong. When you have built this life for yourself and done the hard work yet it just comes through the door takes your stuff and leaves. Without an explanation, without a reason. Why pick on me? What have I done?

I haven’t made it back to work yet even though I should have been back 2 weeks ago or even yesterday. I should have pushed myself more. I couldn’t face it though, I was too scared to face the people, the work, the getting dressed and feeling comfortable. I don’t know if I have messed up my chances of keeping my job, I hope not. I will go back Monday. But I hope depression doesn’t steal this from me. Something I have worked hard on getting on keeping on working up the ladder. Its not fair. Life is not fair.

I wonder if this is it… will I be able to pull myself back up or will I fall to the floor.