Going it alone

So here’s to my new beginning, my new fresh start. 

Lost a boyfriend 

Moving flat at the end of July 

Starting a mega diet 

Hopefully get into University part time and pursue my career in Law

I am officially going to put myself first and make my life better. I am still heartbroken of course. It was only two days ago the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with left me. This is my first heartbreak so I believe that the world just wants me to be able to cope on my own, to be able to not depend on someone so much, to know that it’s ok if these things happen. To make me stronger. 

I feel as if the world wants me to be strong and keeps testing me. Have I not passed? Do I keep failing the tests? How many re-sits do I have? 

I feel calm about it all but I am just waiting for it all to come crashing down. Like surely I should be non-stop crying every single day right now? Surely I shouldn’t feel this calm way. 

Wish me luck for going it alone x 

It’s over

So it looks like me and my boyfriend won’t be together for much longer. I got a call from him last night to tell me that he doesn’t know if he feels the same way. My heart is broken. 

I’ve been with him for 4 years. It means a lot to me. I want to fight for him but I don’t want to depend on someone so much. 

I think I am just scared of how I will cope. Is my like going to come crashing down again? Am I going to be able to pull through this. 

I had a knife in my hand last night. A fucking knife. What the fuck was I thinking. I know I don’t wanna go but it would be so much easier if I did. It would make the pain go away. 

It’s one thing after another with me and I’m not sure I can keep doing this. 

xx

Monday Blues

So last night the panic set in again. The next day was Monday and that only meant one thing, I had to come out of hiding. I had to leave my safe space and face the world again. My chest felt weird. I knew it was my anxiety kicking in. Why have I let me going to my work make me feel this way?

I was thinking to myself last night I am not very sure who I am as a person. I think I’ve lost myself along the way. I have achieved a lot so far for my age yet to think back I have not actually sat and pat myself on the back. Knowning all I have been through I made it. I am still here and I’ve proved myself.

I mean I got a salary increase this year which I have been waiting for since the end of December 2015. I had to move jobs of course to progress but finally this year I achieved my goal and I think I enjoyed maybe 5 minutes of it and let it go and went back crawling into a corner. I should have enjoyed this moment more. I should be sitting her each day proud of how far I have got with the fact that I suffer from mental health issues. I should sit here and feel grateful as to where I am right now.

I think it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living the way I should. I will probably feel different in the next day or even the next few hours. But I hope to read back on this and say do you know what I should be proud. I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. I could do great things. I think I just stopped living.

I go to work, come home and go straight to my bed. I don’t really live anymore. I just get the money to pay the bills and that’s me. And I sleep most of the weekend to recover for the week. It doesn’t really sound like I am living does it?

Perfect for my previous post

So I always google a wee quote now and again when I am feeling a certain way. I don’t know what kinda feeling it gives me I just know it makes me feel good. Maybe I can relate and then know someone has felt that way. Or maybe it confirms that it’s ok to feel this way or it’s ok to not deal with certain things. It’s like if I can’t find a quote for it surely I am not allowed to feel this way.

But yeah stumbled on a quote for my previous blog and it just is so true with regards to friendships.

And Breathe

It is finally the day I have been looking forward to. It’s finally the weekend. I don’t need to fear the next day until Sunday night. I can actually relax and enjoy my time not being around people that don’t like me or keep talking about me. The feeling of not having to watch people whisper about me anymore is great. The paranoid feeling of what am I walking into today has gone (for now). I am in my house the place where I feel safe. I can close the door and let whoever I want in and ignore whoever I want to. It’s all my choices. This is why I like living alone at times. I can close that door and block everyone out just for the night and take a break.

I know I have used this as my diary in the last week but the fact that I can post on here and people can read it and like it,  it gives me different feeling than writing in a diary where nobody can. I doesn’t make any sense, but it makes me feel less alone. People must feel some similarities to my story and theirs. I would honestly love to hear from people and their stories. Their coping mechanisms or their struggles. This way we could help each other. When you feel you don’t have anyone sometimes someone who has struggled in similar ways to yourself helps. It helps give you a reason to keep going on. To know that you are not alone.

My struggles have been on and off for 4 years. The first two have probably been better than the last two. I always wondered where this all started but they say your life experiences make you who you are. So whatever you have been through shape the person that you are..

I would say I am not very fond of who I am. I am not sure I deserved the life experiences that I have been through. Friends for a start of has been my down fall. From Primary School to now (as per my last week blogs). I maybe can’t pick the right friends or maybe I try to hard or maybe I just… I just don’t know. I think all my life all I have wanted is to be loved, to know that people care and that they want me in their lifes. I can’t really think of a reason on why I feel I need more than I really have. I just seem to try so hard with people that wouldn’t even bother with me. That really don’t deserve my time. I start to turn into them to make them like me more. I speak the way they do and act the way they do. I change who I am in order to be liked. Why? Do I not like myself enough to be myself and think people will like me. Maybe I have tried so hard for years that I have lost who I really am.

If I ask myself who I really am I would answer this by saying that I am loving and caring. I genuinely care for people. I would say I was a good friend. I am not one for bitching about you behind your back and anything you tell me is not for me to say to people. I would do anything for you. I would be there when times were tough. I would listen to you for hours and hours going over the same thing just to make sure you are ok. With that I ask myself then why do people not treat me any better? Why do people still seem to think its ok to walk all over me. At times I think maybe I give off this oh feel sorry for me vibe but it also gives off the vibe of well we can kinda of walk all over her and get away with it. I seem to keep everything I feel to myself (well most of it) because I can’t be bothered with the agro or the grief. I don’t want to ever feel awkward with people or cause an atmosphere I don’t really feel that it is worth it so I mostly just let the feelings pass. I don’t think it is a bad thing that I don’t react to every single little thing that goes on. I just need to realise that I am not everybody’s cup of tea and that is ok. Its ok that not everyone likes you. Some people just don’t click with you and it happens everywhere and half the people you want to like you are actually people you don’t even like. It is mad how your mind works. You worry so much about these people that aren’t even loyal to you or even deserve the love you give.

I just hope one day I can learn that lesson of not everyone is going to like you and that its ok. Maybe a few more lessons in life will push me to realise but I wish it would hurry up because I hate feeling this way x

Friday at last

I’ve made it guys. I have actually made it to Friday. Last day this week or sitting on the bus heading to work. I swear I could sleep for a week. And although I have a desk job my brain has tired me out. The amount it has went through can’t even deal. 

I’m glad I made it and didn’t phone on sick or try to avoid it at all. 

I feel each time I am getting stronger. Why is it the more shit you are put through the more stronger you are and you should be happy about the shit. Eh no why can’t a just learn with good things in my life please.!?/! I not just stroll through life and get everything handed to me and everyone likes me and it’s all happy days everyday. 

One of the girls is speaking to me more than I thought she would. She is trying a lot harder than anyone else. I think she might miss me but won’t admit it. The secretary though she is just the most vile person I have ever met in my life. She’s such a bully and I think she has realised I am going no where. She can’t get rid of me like she did the last person that she didn’t like. People forgot what she’s really like. But see everyone is so two faced in that place. And don’t get me wrong I am not going to sit here and say that I don’t talk about people, I have. You can’t help it sometimes. And sometimes you just have to get on with people because of the situation such as you work with them. Still doesn’t take away how horrible they can be but you just have to grow up and get on with it. 

There has been so much I have held back from this week that part of me wishes I just said a but hey it keeps the peace. 

Let’s hope this depression gets easier as I get older. If my little ebyas to be like this the whole time am not sure how long am gonna be ok with the it being there dragging me down. 

It’s a constant war. Your trying to pull yourself back up and she’s dragging you back down. 

I call depression a she. I probably shouldn’t. But I’ve meet some amount of bitchy females that I think calling it a male wouldn’t  be right. She is just like the typic fake friend. Everything goes well for so long and then out of the blue she fucks you over. You sit and think why has she done this. But you don’t have a clue. Someone you make do something such as mess up drinking and bring it on you reels but others there is no reason why she is treating you this way. 

She is such a wee bitch! 

Here I am again

So here I am 3rd day sitting on the bus to work and I’ve crumbled. I think my whole body has crashed. It can’t keep this up this pretending everything is fine. I can’t do it. 

I woke up from my stress dreams, which I hate. They are so real it’s like its all happening  except I wake up and nothing happened but yet my emotions feel as though it has. 

Someone save me from this nightmare. 

I got out the shower sat in front of the mirror and cried my eyes out. Ask me why? Am not really sure I just knew I needed to cry. Am I done in? Probably. Is this because of everything that’s happened? Probably. Could it just be one of those days? Probably. 

I want to shout and scream or hide in my bed and cry all day and not face this life. 

See, yesterday I felt a lot better. I mean if you read my blog from yesterday it is probably a lot more positive than today. But see this is what it does to you, it gives you this false sense of security and then goes jut kidding i am still here. 

I feel sick to my stomach and I feel done. I’m not good to you all today I have no insight, no positive mental attitude, no helpful tips. I have nothing today to offer.

Nobody is here right now. I am numb to the world xx