And Breathe

It is finally the day I have been looking forward to. It’s finally the weekend. I don’t need to fear the next day until Sunday night. I can actually relax and enjoy my time not being around people that don’t like me or keep talking about me. The feeling of not having to watch people whisper about me anymore is great. The paranoid feeling of what am I walking into today has gone (for now). I am in my house the place where I feel safe. I can close the door and let whoever I want in and ignore whoever I want to. It’s all my choices. This is why I like living alone at times. I can close that door and block everyone out just for the night and take a break.

I know I have used this as my diary in the last week but the fact that I can post on here and people can read it and like it,  it gives me different feeling than writing in a diary where nobody can. I doesn’t make any sense, but it makes me feel less alone. People must feel some similarities to my story and theirs. I would honestly love to hear from people and their stories. Their coping mechanisms or their struggles. This way we could help each other. When you feel you don’t have anyone sometimes someone who has struggled in similar ways to yourself helps. It helps give you a reason to keep going on. To know that you are not alone.

My struggles have been on and off for 4 years. The first two have probably been better than the last two. I always wondered where this all started but they say your life experiences make you who you are. So whatever you have been through shape the person that you are..

I would say I am not very fond of who I am. I am not sure I deserved the life experiences that I have been through. Friends for a start of has been my down fall. From Primary School to now (as per my last week blogs). I maybe can’t pick the right friends or maybe I try to hard or maybe I just… I just don’t know. I think all my life all I have wanted is to be loved, to know that people care and that they want me in their lifes. I can’t really think of a reason on why I feel I need more than I really have. I just seem to try so hard with people that wouldn’t even bother with me. That really don’t deserve my time. I start to turn into them to make them like me more. I speak the way they do and act the way they do. I change who I am in order to be liked. Why? Do I not like myself enough to be myself and think people will like me. Maybe I have tried so hard for years that I have lost who I really am.

If I ask myself who I really am I would answer this by saying that I am loving and caring. I genuinely care for people. I would say I was a good friend. I am not one for bitching about you behind your back and anything you tell me is not for me to say to people. I would do anything for you. I would be there when times were tough. I would listen to you for hours and hours going over the same thing just to make sure you are ok. With that I ask myself then why do people not treat me any better? Why do people still seem to think its ok to walk all over me. At times I think maybe I give off this oh feel sorry for me vibe but it also gives off the vibe of well we can kinda of walk all over her and get away with it. I seem to keep everything I feel to myself (well most of it) because I can’t be bothered with the agro or the grief. I don’t want to ever feel awkward with people or cause an atmosphere I don’t really feel that it is worth it so I mostly just let the feelings pass. I don’t think it is a bad thing that I don’t react to every single little thing that goes on. I just need to realise that I am not everybody’s cup of tea and that is ok. Its ok that not everyone likes you. Some people just don’t click with you and it happens everywhere and half the people you want to like you are actually people you don’t even like. It is mad how your mind works. You worry so much about these people that aren’t even loyal to you or even deserve the love you give.

I just hope one day I can learn that lesson of not everyone is going to like you and that its ok. Maybe a few more lessons in life will push me to realise but I wish it would hurry up because I hate feeling this way x

Friday at last

I’ve made it guys. I have actually made it to Friday. Last day this week or sitting on the bus heading to work. I swear I could sleep for a week. And although I have a desk job my brain has tired me out. The amount it has went through can’t even deal. 

I’m glad I made it and didn’t phone on sick or try to avoid it at all. 

I feel each time I am getting stronger. Why is it the more shit you are put through the more stronger you are and you should be happy about the shit. Eh no why can’t a just learn with good things in my life please.!?/! I not just stroll through life and get everything handed to me and everyone likes me and it’s all happy days everyday. 

One of the girls is speaking to me more than I thought she would. She is trying a lot harder than anyone else. I think she might miss me but won’t admit it. The secretary though she is just the most vile person I have ever met in my life. She’s such a bully and I think she has realised I am going no where. She can’t get rid of me like she did the last person that she didn’t like. People forgot what she’s really like. But see everyone is so two faced in that place. And don’t get me wrong I am not going to sit here and say that I don’t talk about people, I have. You can’t help it sometimes. And sometimes you just have to get on with people because of the situation such as you work with them. Still doesn’t take away how horrible they can be but you just have to grow up and get on with it. 

There has been so much I have held back from this week that part of me wishes I just said a but hey it keeps the peace. 

Let’s hope this depression gets easier as I get older. If my little ebyas to be like this the whole time am not sure how long am gonna be ok with the it being there dragging me down. 

It’s a constant war. Your trying to pull yourself back up and she’s dragging you back down. 

I call depression a she. I probably shouldn’t. But I’ve meet some amount of bitchy females that I think calling it a male wouldn’t  be right. She is just like the typic fake friend. Everything goes well for so long and then out of the blue she fucks you over. You sit and think why has she done this. But you don’t have a clue. Someone you make do something such as mess up drinking and bring it on you reels but others there is no reason why she is treating you this way. 

She is such a wee bitch! 

Being left out

So if you have been following my posts I faced work yesterday after a drunken night out at the weekend shouting at suppose to be friends. I spent the whole weekend apologising, holding my hands up and saying how out of order I was.  My feelings over the weekend started to change. I was so upset and so distraught that these friends fell out with me and didn’t talk to me. This then changed to being angry that this is how they treat friends when they make a mistake. I would understand if this wasn’t the first time I had done this because that’s then not a mistake. But this was, and I couldn’t have been more clearer that it was a mistake. My feelings then were glad that I found out that in tough or shit times they weren’t gonna be there for me. I didn’t expect them to let me away with it all but give me a right good telling and then understand that I was so intoxicated a didn’t even know who I was or what was going on. This showed me the kind of people I was letting into my life. And it wasn’t the kind I wanted it was the kind I had been running away from all my life. 

Yesterday was horrible I felt so left out. Hardly anyone spoke to me and the other woman that’s not talking to me ( that’s in her 40s and took drugs that night to me that’s a bit of a disgrace but hey it’s all eyes on me just now) she just spoke about me all day even though I sit right in front of her room and can see her through a window. To me that’s just rude and no need: I apologised twice in message to her and on Tuesday morning went in again and said sorry nobody was around so she said ok and left it at that. She thanked me for apologising but as soon as there was a audience that’s when she started. Why do people find treating people like that acceptable if my behviour is not acceptable then how is yours? Least I have a reason for acting out, I was so drunk that a didn’t even mean anything that I said. I mean least am only a drunk arsehole and not a sober one like them. 

One of the girls text me last night out of the blue ( I was fast asleep though) basically saying how dissapointed she was in me and that she felt shite for me today because she knew exactly what they all were doing and that was leaving me out. She ended it with we will be civil thats the end of it. 

Now, if I could show u everything I said to her there isn’t really much else I can say without repeating myself. She already told me we would he click there isn’t much else we need to talk about. I haven’t messaged back because what can I say? What so I’ve to suck up to her now she feels shite. 

I would rather be alone than have friends like these. 

I am feeling not too bad today. Time is a great healer. Each day you feel the weights falling off you. 

This is what a mean by depression though u go for a while getting through life with no complications, no crying, no feeling down for no reason and then it all hits u again. And each time u know that it’s going to pass but in that moment nothing is going to change how u feel. You can’t even see the finish line or even the water stop. 

I got about people text me yesterday morning hoping that my day went ok. This reminded me I have the people I need. They understand I was just an idiot drinking and that it was a mistake. They know who I am as a person and how I treat people and know that when I am drunk that way it’s not who I am or who I want to be. They see how sorry I really am. 

I am on the bus on my way to face another day, each day I am getting stronger. People try and take away who you are but nobody is going to make me feel that way anymore. 

Positive vibes for this morning. Don’t ever let anyone effect you so much that it try’s to make u feel less of a person. Go into that room with the group of girls that make u feel uncomfortable and go talk to your friends like you don’t even care. The more u do it the more u will feel comfortable. Not everyone matters if they don’t like you so be it. U have the people around you that you need and that’s all that matters. Even if they are not right in front of you they are still there and if you keep that in mind then you will go on living the life you want to live and the person you want to be x