Monday Blues

So last night the panic set in again. The next day was Monday and that only meant one thing, I had to come out of hiding. I had to leave my safe space and face the world again. My chest felt weird. I knew it was my anxiety kicking in. Why have I let me going to my work make me feel this way?

I was thinking to myself last night I am not very sure who I am as a person. I think I’ve lost myself along the way. I have achieved a lot so far for my age yet to think back I have not actually sat and pat myself on the back. Knowning all I have been through I made it. I am still here and I’ve proved myself.

I mean I got a salary increase this year which I have been waiting for since the end of December 2015. I had to move jobs of course to progress but finally this year I achieved my goal and I think I enjoyed maybe 5 minutes of it and let it go and went back crawling into a corner. I should have enjoyed this moment more. I should be sitting her each day proud of how far I have got with the fact that I suffer from mental health issues. I should sit here and feel grateful as to where I am right now.

I think it’s time to stop feeling sorry for myself and start living the way I should. I will probably feel different in the next day or even the next few hours. But I hope to read back on this and say do you know what I should be proud. I am young and have my whole life ahead of me. I could do great things. I think I just stopped living.

I go to work, come home and go straight to my bed. I don’t really live anymore. I just get the money to pay the bills and that’s me. And I sleep most of the weekend to recover for the week. It doesn’t really sound like I am living does it?

And Breathe

It is finally the day I have been looking forward to. It’s finally the weekend. I don’t need to fear the next day until Sunday night. I can actually relax and enjoy my time not being around people that don’t like me or keep talking about me. The feeling of not having to watch people whisper about me anymore is great. The paranoid feeling of what am I walking into today has gone (for now). I am in my house the place where I feel safe. I can close the door and let whoever I want in and ignore whoever I want to. It’s all my choices. This is why I like living alone at times. I can close that door and block everyone out just for the night and take a break.

I know I have used this as my diary in the last week but the fact that I can post on here and people can read it and like it,  it gives me different feeling than writing in a diary where nobody can. I doesn’t make any sense, but it makes me feel less alone. People must feel some similarities to my story and theirs. I would honestly love to hear from people and their stories. Their coping mechanisms or their struggles. This way we could help each other. When you feel you don’t have anyone sometimes someone who has struggled in similar ways to yourself helps. It helps give you a reason to keep going on. To know that you are not alone.

My struggles have been on and off for 4 years. The first two have probably been better than the last two. I always wondered where this all started but they say your life experiences make you who you are. So whatever you have been through shape the person that you are..

I would say I am not very fond of who I am. I am not sure I deserved the life experiences that I have been through. Friends for a start of has been my down fall. From Primary School to now (as per my last week blogs). I maybe can’t pick the right friends or maybe I try to hard or maybe I just… I just don’t know. I think all my life all I have wanted is to be loved, to know that people care and that they want me in their lifes. I can’t really think of a reason on why I feel I need more than I really have. I just seem to try so hard with people that wouldn’t even bother with me. That really don’t deserve my time. I start to turn into them to make them like me more. I speak the way they do and act the way they do. I change who I am in order to be liked. Why? Do I not like myself enough to be myself and think people will like me. Maybe I have tried so hard for years that I have lost who I really am.

If I ask myself who I really am I would answer this by saying that I am loving and caring. I genuinely care for people. I would say I was a good friend. I am not one for bitching about you behind your back and anything you tell me is not for me to say to people. I would do anything for you. I would be there when times were tough. I would listen to you for hours and hours going over the same thing just to make sure you are ok. With that I ask myself then why do people not treat me any better? Why do people still seem to think its ok to walk all over me. At times I think maybe I give off this oh feel sorry for me vibe but it also gives off the vibe of well we can kinda of walk all over her and get away with it. I seem to keep everything I feel to myself (well most of it) because I can’t be bothered with the agro or the grief. I don’t want to ever feel awkward with people or cause an atmosphere I don’t really feel that it is worth it so I mostly just let the feelings pass. I don’t think it is a bad thing that I don’t react to every single little thing that goes on. I just need to realise that I am not everybody’s cup of tea and that is ok. Its ok that not everyone likes you. Some people just don’t click with you and it happens everywhere and half the people you want to like you are actually people you don’t even like. It is mad how your mind works. You worry so much about these people that aren’t even loyal to you or even deserve the love you give.

I just hope one day I can learn that lesson of not everyone is going to like you and that its ok. Maybe a few more lessons in life will push me to realise but I wish it would hurry up because I hate feeling this way x

Here I am again

So here I am 3rd day sitting on the bus to work and I’ve crumbled. I think my whole body has crashed. It can’t keep this up this pretending everything is fine. I can’t do it. 

I woke up from my stress dreams, which I hate. They are so real it’s like its all happening  except I wake up and nothing happened but yet my emotions feel as though it has. 

Someone save me from this nightmare. 

I got out the shower sat in front of the mirror and cried my eyes out. Ask me why? Am not really sure I just knew I needed to cry. Am I done in? Probably. Is this because of everything that’s happened? Probably. Could it just be one of those days? Probably. 

I want to shout and scream or hide in my bed and cry all day and not face this life. 

See, yesterday I felt a lot better. I mean if you read my blog from yesterday it is probably a lot more positive than today. But see this is what it does to you, it gives you this false sense of security and then goes jut kidding i am still here. 

I feel sick to my stomach and I feel done. I’m not good to you all today I have no insight, no positive mental attitude, no helpful tips. I have nothing today to offer.

Nobody is here right now. I am numb to the world xx  

Time to face the music

So here I am sitting on the bus on my way to work to face the music. From a scale or 1-10 my nervous level is reaching a high 8. 

I will be walking into work not knowing what to expect and I think that’s what bothers me the most. I don’t know how people are going to act in front of me. Are they just going to ignore me? 

Honestly am not a horrible person just when I drink too much I become this angry human. And maybe it’s because I am angry at life but that doesn’t give me the right to lash out when I am drunk in front of friends. 

My emotions have been all over the place this weekend. One minute I’ve been crying then hitting a rage at how people have treated me when all I made was a mistake. I regret it big time. Has nobody ever got drunk and made a mess of things? I bet everyone at one point has it’s not just me. 

I just don’t want people to judge me and think of me in that way. See I care too much about what people think of me and it’s so daft. 

I always feel I do this at jobs. I go in with good intentions like no this time I’m not telling anyone my life story, I will not care what people think and I won’t get too close with people. But no done all that so far and where has it got me? It has pushed me back a few months of my recovery. 

Recovery is so hard.. you think you are getting somewhere and getting better and then depression reminds you that she’s still here? Here to make your life a living hell. 

I thought to myself there maybe I am a depressed person with a lack of love. I am actually pretty embarrassed to write this but I always crave some love, attention and sympathy. It’s not a good way to be let me tell u because not everyone is interest and it’s a constant rejecting when you don’t get it. I have enough love I don’t know why I feel as though I lack it. As people say there is probably worse out there with less people or even nobody to show them love. 

My anxiety l levels are off the roof just now.. I sat on the outside of the seats on the bus. And a guy was reading his paper he then put his paper back in back as if he were to get off the bus. No 6 bus stops later he gets off. The whole time me panicking and sweating about the fact I have to move to let him out. By the time I get to work people will think I have been caught in a thunderstorm. Why can’t I just stop sweating. Like calm down, there is no need to beat yourself up!! You done that all weekends remember? 
Anyways, wish me luck, even though I probably deserve feeling this way x 

Drinking when depressed

Right if you are reading this and you suffer from depression or any mental illness you should defiantly stay away from drink. This will be like common sense to most people. But honestly I have suffered from depression for nearly 5 years now and I am still sitting suffering from a night of drinking because I just took it too far. So I have been trying to sort friendships out the last two days and making sure my relationship is ok.

I mean all I am is hungover but for someone dealing with depression its even worse. I sat last night having suicidal thoughts. Thoughts I haven’t had for a few months now. I mean is it really worth a night of drinking and being aggressive to feel the way I do right now? I mean I know I already feel down but do I really need to make that worse for myself?

I mean one night of drinking has set me back months. For what? It wasn’t even a good night. So now I am sitting here thinking why should I bother anymore, I don’t wanna fix it all again I just want to give up. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I suppose it does make you realise who your true friends are. I mean drunk people do stupid things. I mean do you think I said yeah tonight I am going to be horrible to people. Really? When am sober I couldn’t be any nicer.

 

But yeah moral of the story, do not drink while suffering from a mental illness. It is not worth it x

I am back

Well here I am, again. Back on this site. So I basically haven’t been on this in a while, since my last melt down. I think focusing on me was what I needed.

I left it that I had lost my job and that my life was over.

But now I sit here with a full time job in what I love I didn’t think I would be able to get back on my feet. It took me a week to find a new job (didn’t like it that much) and then a few months to get back into what I really wanted to focus on.

I am not going to sit here and say that it has been easy. It has not been at all. I have been fighting they feelings of not wanting to keep going, wanting to give up. But here I am still going strong and taking each day.

Depression is not easy at all. I get scared of feelings. When I think about all the things I could face such as heartbreak, a loved one dying, another job loss, another depression meltdown I don’t think I am going to be able to get through it. I don’t think I will be able to cope. It scares me. It makes me feel like giving up. Why should I sit and wait around for life to fuck me over and over again?

I mean there is only so much you can take in life. You feel as though you are getting back on your feet and then you fall. You fall without even seeing it coming and there you are. You look around and you recognise those dark thoughts and you realise your back where you have been running from for months.

A mean I sit here and think to myself am I really a nice person? Like, I thought I was. I thought I cared, I thought I was there for people. But maybe I am just this big fake. I try so hard for people to like me that I think I try so hard that actually I turn into someone I am not.

Why do we care what everybody thinks of us? Like why am I sitting her doubting who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I lost myself ages ago and I can’t find her. I don’t even know who I am looking for anymore because she has not been with me for years.

Why do I always seem to be left. People just drop me. Am I not worth a fight, am I not worth forgiving an argument for, am I am worth it. I mean would you miss me if I was gone?

Depression, you are such a horrible person. You just take everything. Then you go on vacation for a few hours, days, months and then come back for more. Haven’t you had enough? Hasn’t the last few years been enough for you? Because I don’t think I can keep going on like this anymore. I can’t keep thinking I am getting better and then you show up out of nowhere, no warning and just drag me back to hell.

I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to be numb from it all. I mean like I don’t know how I am going to keep this fake life up for much longer and then when I crash it is going to take everything from me and all that progress will be gone and I will be back at the beginning and then I will start again and then build it all up again and then it will happen all over again. This is not worth it watching my world come crashing around me. Why would I want to sit around and watch this and let this happen and not being able to do anything about it.

Sooner or later I am going to run out of chances and starting again. There is only so many times you can start again surely.

I wish depression had a cure and not a recovery. A cure would be so much easier. Tablet and your all better. But hey nobody said life was going to be easy.

I just wish more people realised the effects that depression had on you. How it made you feel, how it changed you, how it took everything from you. Sometimes you just need a bit of loving and understanding. Love does not fix depression but it does help the journey.

No words

I have no words today I spent all day in bed till about 9pm. Here’s a wee quote I found though ❤️

Quiet means sad

So I was going to try to write everyday this week but I failed. I was down yesterday. Normally the end of the month is tough it’s nearer pay day, need to make sure all the bills are paid and that I can even afford it. I find it difficult living on my own sometimes. When your living with your parents you don’t realise how lucky you are and how much living actually costs. I wish I could turn back time, to not have gotten into the debt I did but buying new things helped me. Well I thought it was helping me. It was worth the worry after. I look back and think now that did not help at all. I am now sitting in a crap position and have nothing to show for it. I can’t even go get advice or help because my work needs me to have a clean credit file, no arrangements or schemes. So I am basically robbing Peter to pay Paul. Sorry Peter but your my only hope.

I would say that my money problems have a big effect on my depression. I didn’t get depression because of debt though, I got debt due to depression. My shopping was an addiction (could have been worse I could have been on drugs or alcohol) but this addiction is still damaging to me and to others around me when it brings me down or makes me ask the people I shouldn’t be to borrowing money and put pressure on them.

I always go quiet when I am down and after being quiet I have all these emotions and I don’t know whether to cry or not. So I decided to write it out.

I go back to work on Tuesday I am terrified. I know I still have 4 days left but I am so scared. I don’t feel ready but I don’t have enough holidays to take for more time off. I just have this feeling inside me telling me your not ready yet, you still have a few things to figure out and its taking you more time to realise what you need to do and how you need to be.

I haven’t done much for the nearly two weeks of being off, showered, cleaned, went to pick up a dress my boyfriend got me, went and met my sister, went to lunch with my grandpa, met my mum, stayed with her, and back home and tidied, showered.. over the last 9 days it’s not as successful as I thought I would be but I better than I thought with doing something. And yes the other time I have spent watching tele and being in bed.

I just know I am not ready yet. The time off has helped but not enough, not to the extent it could and if I just didn’t have bills to worry about then I could manage to take the time I need to know when to go back.

I love my job, I want to be there but just not with this mind frame, not with how I am feeling. One minute am chatty and I don’t look miserable and then the next minute I am down and don’t even know what to say.

 I wish someone would fix this, fix this feeling. Someone to tell me what the best route to do is? What should I do and how should I deal with this? Should I go to work and manage that way or should I look for another job that’s not so demanding and not needing a perfect credit and I can go away for a few years to fix that. But I went through uni to do what I am doing why would I want to ruin that position. I am so lucky where I am right now. How could I choose to do the worst thing ever.

I just want someone to tell me what to do…..

First Blog Post

This is my first blog post… well second but I chickened out of posting the last one. I made this site a while ago but this was only to find other people’s stories to relate to. I now feel like maybe writing down my feelings will help me or you. Hopefully it does some good for someone. Even if it just makes someone not feel alone then great. Its my therapy.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. The usual shit that half of us have to deal with and the lucky few that don’t well they don’t realise how lucky they are not to be feeling this way. Its been nearly 4 years, well it will be in October that I have been dealing with depression. It started when I was 18 years old.. and now 21.. and I am still dealing with it. Well trying too. I am still trying to figure it out, how to cope, how to get through day too day. I think I just need to accept this is me and I have to work round it. It’s just not fair, not fair at all. I am only 21 years old, I struggle to get out of bed, to motivate myself, to not want to be around people and to make the effort. I should be out all the time seeing friends, family having a great wee life. I have a great job, I rent a flat, I have the most caring boyfriend and well my family are a mixture. We are getting there though which is a bonus. So reading that your either thinking why is she depressed? She could be so much worse off or she does not realise how lucky she is or even that I still have a job something must be going right. Don’t get me wrong the job thing, there has been times it could have slipped out my figures and I could have been unemployed but I have been lucky that my first job (big girl job) was supportive in the way I could get away with being off ill, I wouldn’t get paid but I wouldn’t get pulled up either so I coped. I didn’t exactly cope with the work side of things and I did really struggle but my boss wasn’t interested. He was told numerous amount of times from me about my illness and how I was struggling but he never gave me the support that I continued to ask for. After I moved from there for different reasons I ended up on 6 month probation in my new job. It was tough my manager was not supportive in the slightest in a way it was a good thing to not be let away with not going to work but it was also a bad thing. She used to just make a joke out about how I was feeling after I sat and opened up about my feelings (which I said I wouldn’t if I moved job) but I couldn’t keep this to myself when I was struggling to motivate myself. I now have a different manager and she is so supportive. I still worry that she thinks something different that what she is telling me to my face but I think that’s part of who I am, I always worry about what people think of me or what they are saying behind my back.. It’s difficult to turn those feelings off sometimes with any situation. You say one thing to me and months down the line it will still be in my head. You will not realise it and you will have probably forgot all about it but yes that’s how my head works. Am a nutter basically.

Basically the above I can relate to. I always look up quotes when I am down they help me as it feels as if its something I can relate to. Someone else felt this way and this is why a quote like this was made. It makes you feel less alone in the world than you already do. I have saved many quotes over the years and I will post them occasionally just in case you are looking for something to relate to.

It’s now 2am, I think its time for bed. To anybody (if anybody) reads this, thanks! And hope you can relate or maybe you could share your story.

xx