Quiet means sad

So I was going to try to write everyday this week but I failed. I was down yesterday. Normally the end of the month is tough it’s nearer pay day, need to make sure all the bills are paid and that I can even afford it. I find it difficult living on my own sometimes. When your living with your parents you don’t realise how lucky you are and how much living actually costs. I wish I could turn back time, to not have gotten into the debt I did but buying new things helped me. Well I thought it was helping me. It was worth the worry after. I look back and think now that did not help at all. I am now sitting in a crap position and have nothing to show for it. I can’t even go get advice or help because my work needs me to have a clean credit file, no arrangements or schemes. So I am basically robbing Peter to pay Paul. Sorry Peter but your my only hope.

I would say that my money problems have a big effect on my depression. I didn’t get depression because of debt though, I got debt due to depression. My shopping was an addiction (could have been worse I could have been on drugs or alcohol) but this addiction is still damaging to me and to others around me when it brings me down or makes me ask the people I shouldn’t be to borrowing money and put pressure on them.

I always go quiet when I am down and after being quiet I have all these emotions and I don’t know whether to cry or not. So I decided to write it out.

I go back to work on Tuesday I am terrified. I know I still have 4 days left but I am so scared. I don’t feel ready but I don’t have enough holidays to take for more time off. I just have this feeling inside me telling me your not ready yet, you still have a few things to figure out and its taking you more time to realise what you need to do and how you need to be.

I haven’t done much for the nearly two weeks of being off, showered, cleaned, went to pick up a dress my boyfriend got me, went and met my sister, went to lunch with my grandpa, met my mum, stayed with her, and back home and tidied, showered.. over the last 9 days it’s not as successful as I thought I would be but I better than I thought with doing something. And yes the other time I have spent watching tele and being in bed.

I just know I am not ready yet. The time off has helped but not enough, not to the extent it could and if I just didn’t have bills to worry about then I could manage to take the time I need to know when to go back.

I love my job, I want to be there but just not with this mind frame, not with how I am feeling. One minute am chatty and I don’t look miserable and then the next minute I am down and don’t even know what to say.

 I wish someone would fix this, fix this feeling. Someone to tell me what the best route to do is? What should I do and how should I deal with this? Should I go to work and manage that way or should I look for another job that’s not so demanding and not needing a perfect credit and I can go away for a few years to fix that. But I went through uni to do what I am doing why would I want to ruin that position. I am so lucky where I am right now. How could I choose to do the worst thing ever.

I just want someone to tell me what to do…..