I am back

Well here I am, again. Back on this site. So I basically haven’t been on this in a while, since my last melt down. I think focusing on me was what I needed.

I left it that I had lost my job and that my life was over.

But now I sit here with a full time job in what I love I didn’t think I would be able to get back on my feet. It took me a week to find a new job (didn’t like it that much) and then a few months to get back into what I really wanted to focus on.

I am not going to sit here and say that it has been easy. It has not been at all. I have been fighting they feelings of not wanting to keep going, wanting to give up. But here I am still going strong and taking each day.

Depression is not easy at all. I get scared of feelings. When I think about all the things I could face such as heartbreak, a loved one dying, another job loss, another depression meltdown I don’t think I am going to be able to get through it. I don’t think I will be able to cope. It scares me. It makes me feel like giving up. Why should I sit and wait around for life to fuck me over and over again?

I mean there is only so much you can take in life. You feel as though you are getting back on your feet and then you fall. You fall without even seeing it coming and there you are. You look around and you recognise those dark thoughts and you realise your back where you have been running from for months.

A mean I sit here and think to myself am I really a nice person? Like, I thought I was. I thought I cared, I thought I was there for people. But maybe I am just this big fake. I try so hard for people to like me that I think I try so hard that actually I turn into someone I am not.

Why do we care what everybody thinks of us? Like why am I sitting her doubting who I am. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I lost myself ages ago and I can’t find her. I don’t even know who I am looking for anymore because she has not been with me for years.

Why do I always seem to be left. People just drop me. Am I not worth a fight, am I not worth forgiving an argument for, am I am worth it. I mean would you miss me if I was gone?

Depression, you are such a horrible person. You just take everything. Then you go on vacation for a few hours, days, months and then come back for more. Haven’t you had enough? Hasn’t the last few years been enough for you? Because I don’t think I can keep going on like this anymore. I can’t keep thinking I am getting better and then you show up out of nowhere, no warning and just drag me back to hell.

I don’t want to feel anymore. I want to be numb from it all. I mean like I don’t know how I am going to keep this fake life up for much longer and then when I crash it is going to take everything from me and all that progress will be gone and I will be back at the beginning and then I will start again and then build it all up again and then it will happen all over again. This is not worth it watching my world come crashing around me. Why would I want to sit around and watch this and let this happen and not being able to do anything about it.

Sooner or later I am going to run out of chances and starting again. There is only so many times you can start again surely.

I wish depression had a cure and not a recovery. A cure would be so much easier. Tablet and your all better. But hey nobody said life was going to be easy.

I just wish more people realised the effects that depression had on you. How it made you feel, how it changed you, how it took everything from you. Sometimes you just need a bit of loving and understanding. Love does not fix depression but it does help the journey.

Quiet means sad

So I was going to try to write everyday this week but I failed. I was down yesterday. Normally the end of the month is tough it’s nearer pay day, need to make sure all the bills are paid and that I can even afford it. I find it difficult living on my own sometimes. When your living with your parents you don’t realise how lucky you are and how much living actually costs. I wish I could turn back time, to not have gotten into the debt I did but buying new things helped me. Well I thought it was helping me. It was worth the worry after. I look back and think now that did not help at all. I am now sitting in a crap position and have nothing to show for it. I can’t even go get advice or help because my work needs me to have a clean credit file, no arrangements or schemes. So I am basically robbing Peter to pay Paul. Sorry Peter but your my only hope.

I would say that my money problems have a big effect on my depression. I didn’t get depression because of debt though, I got debt due to depression. My shopping was an addiction (could have been worse I could have been on drugs or alcohol) but this addiction is still damaging to me and to others around me when it brings me down or makes me ask the people I shouldn’t be to borrowing money and put pressure on them.

I always go quiet when I am down and after being quiet I have all these emotions and I don’t know whether to cry or not. So I decided to write it out.

I go back to work on Tuesday I am terrified. I know I still have 4 days left but I am so scared. I don’t feel ready but I don’t have enough holidays to take for more time off. I just have this feeling inside me telling me your not ready yet, you still have a few things to figure out and its taking you more time to realise what you need to do and how you need to be.

I haven’t done much for the nearly two weeks of being off, showered, cleaned, went to pick up a dress my boyfriend got me, went and met my sister, went to lunch with my grandpa, met my mum, stayed with her, and back home and tidied, showered.. over the last 9 days it’s not as successful as I thought I would be but I better than I thought with doing something. And yes the other time I have spent watching tele and being in bed.

I just know I am not ready yet. The time off has helped but not enough, not to the extent it could and if I just didn’t have bills to worry about then I could manage to take the time I need to know when to go back.

I love my job, I want to be there but just not with this mind frame, not with how I am feeling. One minute am chatty and I don’t look miserable and then the next minute I am down and don’t even know what to say.

 I wish someone would fix this, fix this feeling. Someone to tell me what the best route to do is? What should I do and how should I deal with this? Should I go to work and manage that way or should I look for another job that’s not so demanding and not needing a perfect credit and I can go away for a few years to fix that. But I went through uni to do what I am doing why would I want to ruin that position. I am so lucky where I am right now. How could I choose to do the worst thing ever.

I just want someone to tell me what to do…..

Off work

So I am off work – docs gave me 2 weeks line but because I am on probation I don’t get paid so I had to take holidays instead. I’m half way through my time off and am not sure what I should be really doing. I keep asking myself what can I do today but all I find myself doing is sleeping until 2pm and watching greys anatomy (which is amazing).

I think my real issue here is how are people with a mental illness meant to get better if they can’t get time off work to heal. After I go back on Monday I need to be healed otherwise I’ve just wasted my holidays for the year for what? To laze about and watch tele? Or is that what I really needed? I’m not very sure. I have bills and a flat to pay for I cannot exactly go on the sick to make my mental health better if my financial situation is gonna be jeopardised because of it. That’s only going to make that head of mine go even more crazy worrying about how I will manage my bills. I use to work in the debt side of things so I know what can happen to you if you don’t pay, which I couldn’t handle.

Why is it so hard to get better?

 

Us mental health people just can’t seem to win. How does being in work with depression going to help? Sometimes it does don’t get me wrong it’s better to be busy and distracted and to be honest life is about going out and working and paying to live so you can’t get use to not doing that otherwise it’s going to be harder to come back out of. I just feel there should be something in place for people with mental health, more support, a go to person, someone with the skills to help you do what’s best for u, which won’t effect your position or job and will help you beat it. Each company should have someone like this to help you, someone that will understand because not every manager or boss will but that would only make u worse if u had a boss/manager that didn’t understand. It puts more pressure on you and could possibly make you more unwell.

Bit of late night thoughts for yous.

 

I actually still can’t get over that people have looked at my previous posts, they have taken the time out of their lives to read about mines which makes me realise your not alone, people are out there looking for similar stories and I hope people still continue to do so and still support it.

 

Thanks xx

First Blog Post

This is my first blog post… well second but I chickened out of posting the last one. I made this site a while ago but this was only to find other people’s stories to relate to. I now feel like maybe writing down my feelings will help me or you. Hopefully it does some good for someone. Even if it just makes someone not feel alone then great. Its my therapy.

I suffer from depression and anxiety. The usual shit that half of us have to deal with and the lucky few that don’t well they don’t realise how lucky they are not to be feeling this way. Its been nearly 4 years, well it will be in October that I have been dealing with depression. It started when I was 18 years old.. and now 21.. and I am still dealing with it. Well trying too. I am still trying to figure it out, how to cope, how to get through day too day. I think I just need to accept this is me and I have to work round it. It’s just not fair, not fair at all. I am only 21 years old, I struggle to get out of bed, to motivate myself, to not want to be around people and to make the effort. I should be out all the time seeing friends, family having a great wee life. I have a great job, I rent a flat, I have the most caring boyfriend and well my family are a mixture. We are getting there though which is a bonus. So reading that your either thinking why is she depressed? She could be so much worse off or she does not realise how lucky she is or even that I still have a job something must be going right. Don’t get me wrong the job thing, there has been times it could have slipped out my figures and I could have been unemployed but I have been lucky that my first job (big girl job) was supportive in the way I could get away with being off ill, I wouldn’t get paid but I wouldn’t get pulled up either so I coped. I didn’t exactly cope with the work side of things and I did really struggle but my boss wasn’t interested. He was told numerous amount of times from me about my illness and how I was struggling but he never gave me the support that I continued to ask for. After I moved from there for different reasons I ended up on 6 month probation in my new job. It was tough my manager was not supportive in the slightest in a way it was a good thing to not be let away with not going to work but it was also a bad thing. She used to just make a joke out about how I was feeling after I sat and opened up about my feelings (which I said I wouldn’t if I moved job) but I couldn’t keep this to myself when I was struggling to motivate myself. I now have a different manager and she is so supportive. I still worry that she thinks something different that what she is telling me to my face but I think that’s part of who I am, I always worry about what people think of me or what they are saying behind my back.. It’s difficult to turn those feelings off sometimes with any situation. You say one thing to me and months down the line it will still be in my head. You will not realise it and you will have probably forgot all about it but yes that’s how my head works. Am a nutter basically.

Basically the above I can relate to. I always look up quotes when I am down they help me as it feels as if its something I can relate to. Someone else felt this way and this is why a quote like this was made. It makes you feel less alone in the world than you already do. I have saved many quotes over the years and I will post them occasionally just in case you are looking for something to relate to.

It’s now 2am, I think its time for bed. To anybody (if anybody) reads this, thanks! And hope you can relate or maybe you could share your story.

xx